Pencils down Death rays up
by Vaunt
Summary: This is it. No one listened to Shepard, and the Reapers invade Earth. But since this is an old World of Darkness crossover, invading Earth is a pretty dumb move.
1. Chapter 1

Before them the earth shakes, the heavens tremble, the sun and moon are darkened, and the stars no longer shine.  
-Joel 2:10, Christian Bible

* * *

When the Reapers descended on Earth, the second most common thoughts were "Shepard was right." along with "We're all going to die." and "Oh, shit." The most common thought, in different variations, and by several margins of magnitude, was "I don't believe this is happening."

Humans are predictable that way.

The good news, at least for humanity, was the world-wide instant disbelief caused paradox to suffer a DDOS attack. It normally wouldn't take long for paradox to get back on track, but sadly for the Reapers, their continued presence would continue to inhibit this until it was too late.

* * *

By the time the Reapers actually attacked Earth, all of Earth's supernatural denizens knew it was coming long ago. It's not like they were surprised an ancient force was lying in wait to destroy all its enemies; it was a perfectly legitimate attack strategy they practiced among themselves, after all. Plus, the ability to see the future also helped.

So when the Reapers burst through the Relay around Pluto, and hurled themselves at the Earth, their dramatic entrance and assault was spoiled when Earth's atmosphere hardened into a solid shield and smeared the first few Reapers that tried to dramatically dive onto the 'defenseless' planet.

Internet video of space-suited astronauts tinkering with satellites at the edge of Earth's atmosphere just before this event was seen as a hoax; the cross-legged naked old men beating on drums while floating in space next to them seemed like bad video editing, at best.

The next few Reapers that got to Earth were a bit more cautious; planetary shields were a bit outside of the normal reaping process. Unfortunately, all this caution meant they were easier targets for surface based annihilation beam weapons and other, stranger, weapons including missiles spewing metal-eating viruses, flying wooden coffins that somehow couldn't be hit, but turned anything near them into dust, and death rays coming from _the sun itself_.

Angered and a little embarrassed that their overwhelming attack wasn't going as planned, the Reaper forces seized the shield and in a coordinated burst of strength, crushed it between their mighty, mighty tentacles. Mollified that things were back on track, they proceeded to land on the densely populated cities of Earth, eager to convert the native population into husks to fuel their march across the sentients of the galaxy.

Things started to go wrong again immediately; the Reaper descending on Tokyo was abruptly knocked off course when it was apparently hit with a flying kick from a single human who wasn't wearing a shirt. Landing face first in Tokyo Bay, it found itself under attack from numerous sources, including sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. Each time it tried to straighten itself, it was knocked back down into the water by more figures appearing out of nowhere, who proceeded to kick it in the face before disappearing. These blows somehow were strong enough to cause it to upend into the water again and again, and the Reaper died without being able to kill a single human.

Other attacks went better, of course.

New York fell within twenty minutes, and the Reaper there began to convert the local population on schedule. However, after a few hours, night fell and the New York Reaper quickly realized that the only reason things went so easily for it earlier was it attacked during the daytime. Ferocious man-shaped monsters tore through its own army of less effective man-shaped monsters, and proceeded to display a range of abilities far beyond what it understood to be humanly capable. It got slightly concerned when several of these monsters began to bodily attack itself, even biting its body, but by the time it stopped trying to defend itself and try to escape, it was too late. Bitten and sucked dry by hundreds of vampires, it was messily diablerized. This in turn would become a problem in itself, but the Reaper wasn't around to appreciate that.

Similar stories were occurring around the globe.

After carefully herding together the docile local population in Kansas City, the Reaper was surprised when the populace popped chainguns out of their bodies and shredded it with mass effect charged hyper velocity rounds.

Several Reapers reported their forces were being ripped apart by things jumping out of mirrors, water, and other reflective surfaces; hulking ferocious beasts of unstoppable destruction who then vanished into thin air.

Others had all manner of bizarre phenomena happen to them, ranging from being repeatedly struck by lightning to going crazy and attacking other Reapers.

Even where things were not going disastrously wrong, things were still not going right. Somehow the humans still had power and communications going despite the Reapers shelling all power stations and destroying every communication satellite they found. Messages were going across the globe urging humanity to resist, and local communications were directing people to shelters, weapon caches, and coordinating defense and attacks against the Reapers.

This was becoming a problem.

More and more Reapers were being recalled to continue the assault on Earth; instead of being a galaxy-wide omni-present strike, the Reapers were becoming bogged down by a single planet.

Even as more and more Reapers poured into the solar system, the Reapers on Earth faced a hard truth; they couldn't leave. When they tried to leave Earth's atmosphere, they were shredded by countless invisible blades. They had never encountered anything like this before, in almost a billion years of harvesting.

Then the Antediluvians woke up.

_AN: This story could have come in two flavors; mage only, or all the oWoD crammed together. __As this is a humor piece and not designed to be taken seriously, I find it more hilarious if I throw everything into the pot. _It also could have been a grim depressing desperate struggle for survival as per the World of Darkness setting. Unfortunately for the Reapers, their inclusion has made the Tellurian a less darker place. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.  
Hosea 4:6, Christian Bible

_5 months before the Reaper invasion_

Shepard's trial flip-flopped between painfully boring and frustratingly painful. They were now in a long period of witness reviews Shepard wasn't allowed to interact or interfere with, so she was confined to quarters with nothing to do.

There was a TV with all the channels, but as had been noted for years, the more channels, the less was on the air.

*kzzt*

"World-wide blood donations are up to record highs this year, as corporate tax incentives prove even the most heartless companies can open up a vein if there's profit…"

*kzzt*

"Next on Paranormal Activity, we investigate ghost sightings in Missouri as-"

*kzzt*

"The 217th annual Full Contact Karate Open Championships are set to begin next week, with martial artists from around the world gathering to compete…"

*kzzt*

"Repent! Armageddon is upon us! Open your eyes and see! Awaken! Feel the hand of God within-"

*kzzt*

*kzzt*

*kzzt*

Shepard turned the TV off, and flopped back on the couch. If only humanity knew what was coming. If only people would listen. If only there was more time to prepare…

* * *

In the months before the Reapers attacked, a new meme swept Terra. 'Humanity, fuck yeah' or HFY as it commonly referred to appeared in various mediums across the globe. Some newscasters brought it up as reactionary xenophobic paranoia in the ongoing media frenzy of Commander Shepard's tribunal and the batarian demands that the earth repatriate her to face batarian justice, but the main thrust of the HFY message was humans sticking up for each other. The most famous vid of HFY was security footage taken outside of Hilcorp Energy. Jason Hildebrand, CEO, was accosted by an infamous street gang, the 10th street reds as he was entering his air car.

Camera footage showed Jason and his bodyguard enter the parking lot. It was night, but the lot was brightly lit. As they neared their air car, the lot lights flickered out. When they came back on a few moments later, a dozen 10th street red gang members had appeared and surrounded Jason and his guard during the brief blackout.

Everyone stood still. The gang members held a variety of guns and melee weapons, while Jason's bodyguard has his own pistol drawn. Hand gripped weapons tightly. Potential violence simmered in the air. The leader of the Reds slowly walked up to Jason, and looked him in the eyes. The lot microphones picked up their short conversation.

"Humans?"

Jason Hildebrand stood for a moment, and then nodded seriously.

"Fuck yes."

Then they shook hands, and the 10th Street Reds walked away into the night.

Animated gifs and derivative homages of their conversation and handshake flooded the extranet, reaching over 1 billion views collectively in less than a week.

Corporate public relations and charitable donations soared.

Terrorism attacks suddenly stopped.

New Yorkers started holding subway doors for last minute passengers.

Ancient grudges were being forgiven.

There was peace in the Middle East.

The Red Sox won again.

It truly was the end of the world.

* * *

_30 minutes before reaper presence in Sol system_

"Psst!"

Shepard looked around. There was nobody nearby.

"Psst! Up here!"

Shepard looked up at the ceiling. A grinning face was pressed against the ventilation grid. A kid?

"Commander Shepard, hi! I'm here to help you get out of here."

Shepard frowned.

"Who are you, and who are you working for? I'm not going anywhere. I turned myself over to the Alliance, I'm not going to run out now."

The kid frowned and then smiled again. "Huh? No, no. I just mean that I'm here to drop off some supplies so when you _do_ escape, you'll have an easy go of it. 'Obviating challenges via BS preparation' is our motto. I could have just had this delivered, but I wanted to say hello in person."

With that, he pried open the ventilation grille, dropped a small letter onto the table below, gave Shepard a jaunty wave, then squeezed his way back up the ventilation shaft, closing the grille behind him.

Shepard blinked. What just happened here? She made her way over to the table and looked at the letter.

It was a pale red, with her name on the front. Shrugging, she gently ripped it open. Inside was a card. She pulled it out.

On the front, in large letters were the words "Congratulations on getting out of jail!"

Shepard frowned as she turned the card over, still unopened. She blinked, and looked at the small logo on the back. "Hallmark?"

She opened the card. Inside, the card said, "We missed you!" Handwritten notes below the printed text continued, "We all knew you were right! Try not to rub it in _too_ badly."

Inside the card was a security keycard, and a folded up piece of paper.

Unfolding the paper revealed a cartoon map showing a Shepard stick figure and a path of arrows leading to another smiling stick figure labeled 'Admiral Anderson'

"What."

That's when the wailing alarms started sounding.

Shepard looked at the keycard in her hand, at the locked door to her room, then back at the card. She shrugged, then map in hand strode to the door. With a swipe, the door opened, and Shepard followed the simple directions to her mentor.

The panicking crowds stampeding through the halls didn't even notice her leave.

_AN: I have so many snips to add to this story._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_AN: I didn't like the last chapter that much; it felt too serious. Traditional storytelling with plot? Bah, who needs that? Where's the lols? I had to rectify this, and hence this chapter appears._

I will bring `them' again from the depths of the sea; That thou mayest crush `them', `dipping' thy foot in blood, That the tongue of thy dogs may have its portion from `thine' enemies.  
Psalms, 68:22-23, American Standard version, Christian Bible

_1__st__ day of the Reaper invasion of Earth, Montreal_

Fiala Karalosi could no longer muster the energy to be surprised.

When the alarms first went off, she was excited. Something _interesting_ was happening, and she was about to perform the sacred responsibility of sharing the news with the galaxy. She would uphold the image of the Asari as the calm, competent, sexy face of the citadel races.

Her excitement turned to surprise and fear when she saw the giant black ship come down onto the city, spreading tentacles reaching open as if to grasp and seize.

Another shock was thrust on her when she was forced to flee for her life from rampaging techno-zombies.

When the techno zombies cornered her, her resolve broke and she curled up gibbering and crying in a corner of an alley.

Getting saved at the last minute by animal-people wielding archaic melee weapons, who jumped down from the roof was the last straw; she had nothing left. By the time she was being gently handed over unharmed to a group of strangely dressed humans drawing designs in the middle of the road, she was no longer fazed by the craziness of what was happening around her.

One of the humans saw them approach, and trotted over to the hulking predator animal-thing gently holding her.

"Greetings Garou. I am James bani Hermes. How may I be of service?" he politely asked.

She wasn't surprised when the murder-beast talked back. At all. Nothing could penetrate her floating sense of non-reality. "Found the azure girl about to be eaten by husks. She's a reporter."

James smiled. "Great, maybe a little video will help the rest of the world keep sticking it to the Reapers."

He grabbed her arm and turned. Waving behind at the Garou with his other hand, he pulled her back to the other figures tracing strange patterns on the asphalt.

"Ok, check it out; we sent out a tweet and got a baker's dozen Forces disciples and adepts who were available." This sentence made absolutely no sense to Fiala. Not noticing her utter confusion, the human kept talking. "We're scribing a combination of Solomon's seal enhanced with Nordic runes, and we were even able to shoehorn in an Aztec Quetzalcoatl reference! This is going to be epic!" He gestured grandly at the inscriptions.

Fiala stared at him. He looked back at her, and his grin faltered.

"You didn't understand anything I just said, did you?"

She slowly shook her head. His words made no sense.

He stroked his chin for a moment. "Hmm. Alright. How about this: we're setting up a magic ritual to summon all the lightnings and flash fry the Reapers."

She shook her head again.

He ran his hand thought his hair. "Huh. Even simpler, eh? Basically, we're going to cast a magic spell."

She cocked her head and looked at him for a moment. As he was about to smile she shook her head once more.

He sighed. "Ok, let me try this again, slowly. We're drawing a giant symbol on the ground." He looked at her encouragingly.

She nodded.

"Then we're going to wave our hands in the air, and speak many words."

She slowly nodded.

"Lightning will drop from the sky and kill all the bad guys."

She shook her head.

He threw his hands in the air. "Seriously? Not even...? Fine. Just stand and watch. Maybe that will make more sense."

Ten minutes later, when the air willed with electricity and the sky turned into lightning and the husks vaporized into dust, things made even less sense to Fiala.

How was she going to report this?

* * *

_6__th__ day of the Reaper invasion of Earth, Chicago_

Fiala Karalosi dove behind a pile of rubble just as some kind of death beam raked across her position.

She was covered in six days-worth of grime, and exhaustion stretched across her face, but her eyes gleamed with excitement.

She turned and smiled at a small camera drone floating behind her.

"That was close! Reaper forces are getting trigger happy as their advance has ground to a halt here in the human city of Chicago. Despite _two_ Reapers attacking from the east and south of the city, the human forces have managed to slow their progress to a crawl, and the Reapers haven't been able to advance at all in the last four hours!"

She ducked suddenly, and several thundering explosions echoed as the camera shook.

"That may be the signal for the counter attack! Let's see if we can get a word in with some of the valiant defenders."

She slithered through the rubble, but paused as she saw a looming figure through the smoke.

It stepped into visibility. It was a monster. It stood eight feet tall with slavering jaws and cruel jagged claws. Gleaming red eyes peered across the battlefield. Blood covered its maw and chest. Its arms were covered in gore up its shoulders.

She gasped as she saw it.

"Hey, Graves! Graves!"

Fiala dashed over to the monster and tugged at its bloody arm, ignoring the sticky mess. It let her pull it down next to her behind the broken concrete. "Dances-on-Graves, do you have a few moments? It sounds like the counter push is about to start, and the public wants to know your thoughts! What's important to the Crinos on the scene? "

She looked expectantly at the Garou. Behind them her camera drone shifted to a better angle.

An embarrassed rumble came from the giant wolf-man. "Ahhrm, Fiala. Shouldn't you be further back with the civilians? What are you even doing in Chicago?"

She smiled brightly. "Nope! The Earth News Network goes where the story is! Our viewers across the galaxy really want to know what's happening here on earth!"

He opened his jaw, revealing rows of deadly teeth. He started to speak, but paused, listening. He shook his head. "I have to go; the push is going to happen soon, and the mages need some meatshields to keep them from being squished. James is around somewhere, so you know there's going to be lots of collateral damage." He leveled a gore covered finger at her. "Keep your blue tail here _at least_ until all the lightning passes; you don't want to get fried to a crisp, and I'm going to be too busy to save you this time from any stray husks."

With that, he bounded forward, easily clearing the rubble and dashing into the smoke.

Fiala turned to the vid drone. "There you have it folks! Even in the middle of the deathly struggle against the Reapers the human defenders think about protecting all the members of the galaxy! This is Fiala Karalosi of ENN signing off for now."

A peculiar whistling wail built in strength from all around. Static electricity started to spark across the concrete. Fiala snatched her vid drone, tucked it to her stomach and curled into a ball. Covering her head with her left arm, she absentmindedly wiped the gore off her right hand onto her pants. There was a great tearing noise as the entire city forcibly ionized. She closed her eyes and smiled to herself as thousands of lightning bolts repeatedly struck down from the sky, shorting out shields and sizzling husks across Chicago. When this was all over she was going to track Dances-on-Graves down and embrace eternity with him until neither one of them could walk straight for a week.

* * *

"Send in the next attack wave! HIT mark V's to the van, artillery on the left flank."

Thousands of man-shaped robots steadily walked forward, ignoring damage from incoming fire as they relentlessly pushed into the center of the Reaper line

"Why are there so many of these things?"

The wizard shrugged. "Surplus. We got really good at spotting them so the technocracy mothballed the mark V's. The primary storage facility in Kansas alone has almost a ten thousand of them."

Shepard nodded and then paused. "Why do they all look like Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

The wizard smirked. "Everyone believes terminators look like Arnold. Even to this day."

They stood, watching the mark V's grind themselves against the Reaper defenses. After a few minutes one of the generals leaned forward, peering intently at the battle display.

"We have them pinned on the defensive. Roll out the 13s!"

Shepard turned to the mage next to her. "13s?"

He grinned. "Hyper Intelligence Technologies, mark 13. Pure heavy assault class. No good for infiltration, only straight on assault."

Shepard could hear them coming before she could see them. Their shapes appeared out of the dust; bulbous cylinders bristling with weapons.

"EXTERMINATE!"

They crushed through the Reaper lines, unstoppable.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

Bolts of energy poured from them. Reaper counterfire vaporized against shimmering shields and impassible armor.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

Shepard looked on in horror. "My God, those things are unstoppable! If the technocracy has troops like that, why didn't they ever use them against you guys?"

The mage smirked. "Who knows. They're hilariously ineffective against humans for some reason."


End file.
